I hope you are all having a wonderful festive holiday.
Wow… it’s been quite some time since I’ve posted on here and I apologise for not keeping you guys in the loop. The simple reason for disappearing was that I’ve been trying to get my life restarted again. It’s honestly been an emotional journey this past 6 months.
I wanted to write this entry to tell you guys what I’ve been up to and to also give you guys some context as to why I needed such a long break, as well as give you an update on what changes I will be making for the blog. I wanted to post it around this time because I wanted to let you guys know before the year was up and plus it’s Christmas. So, what better time than now.
Before I begin, I do want to give you guys a disclaimer that I will be getting personal and will be covering certain sensitive topics in this entry. Therefore, if you find it uncomfortable to read this part of the post and you just want to know about the updates, you can just turn to page 2 where the Blog Updates will be. Also, I will not be speaking for anyone who has gone through a similar situation as me. Everyone has their own experience dealing with things and I just want to let you know about what I did for mine.
So, without further ado, let’s get started.
For those who don’t know, I was diagnosed with Low Grade, Stage 3B Ovarian Cancer last year. Around that time, I went through a major operation where I had to get my ovaries taken out due to a growing tumour.
Since my Cancer is Low Grade, I thankfully didn’t have to have chemotherapy. All I really needed to do was to exercise and eat healthily. Although most of the disease had been taken out, there are still traces of it in my system which I am taking medication for to prevent it from spreading any further. This means I am still getting treatment and closely monitored by my doctor for any signs of abnormality.
Since finding out about my illness, I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I had been treated for my cancer and was on the road to recovery, but I still felt lost and didn’t really know what to do after everything that had happened.
So… to keep myself sane, I wanted to find some sort of outlet where I could put my energy into. Which was why I started this blog in the first place as a way of distracting myself and getting back some kind of control. But as you guys probably have guessed, it didn’t really help. I mean I love blogging; it just didn’t help with with me mentally. So, me being me, I countered that by push myself even harder and post more and more content. Thinking that if I push, I’ll just get used to it and get over this feeling. But the more I pushed the more tired and exhausted I felt.
Now I know what you’re probably thinking, “You haven’t really had this blog for long, how could you have burnout already? And if you knew you were sick, why were you posting so much in the first place? No one asked you to do that.” Well, to answer your first question, as a result of having no ovaries and no hormones in my system (as my Cancer is receptive to oestrogen), I was prone to waves of fatigue more easily. This meant some days my body felt so heavy, that doing simple tasks such as going to the toilet would be a challenge.
Which leads me to the second question. At that time, I didn’t know my limitations… or I probably did… but I just wasn’t ready to accept it then. Which meant I was always frustrated with myself because I wasn’t used to it. Especially since I kept comparing myself to how it used to be before I was sick. I think it was a way of rebelling at myself and proving that I could do it all even with this illness. So, by thinking like that, I ended up pushing my body even harder. Which, I know, was a stupid mentality to have.
It got worse when I really really started to hate myself. Now, I’ve never been a negative-thinking person nor have I been super insecure about myself. I’ve always tried to look at the positives in every thing and I’ve always loved myself the way I am no matter what my flaws were, but I never thought I could hate myself the way I hated myself then.
I was constantly frustrated, blaming myself and hating that I couldn’t even do the simplest things and it drove me crazy. It got to the point where I just stopped caring. I just didn’t care anymore, I stopped taking care of myself and stopped caring about anything I enjoyed and was passionate about. All my personal relationships were falling apart, which didn’t help the situation.
One day I just snapped, I broke ties with everyone and flew back home to the Philippines (Don’t worry, I had help with the travelling). I wanted to spend time with my family and reconnect with myself again. Which was the best decision I’ve ever made. During my time there, my family showed me what was important and help me snap out of the mentality I was having. It really gave me time to heal and re-evaluate how I was perceiving myself.
So, when I came back to England, it gave me a renewed sense of peace within myself. I think I realised that I was punishing myself because I couldn’t do the things I could do anymore. But I didn’t want to do that anymore. I wanted to be more kinder to myself, especially since I’ve gone through so much. Which was why I am slowly able to accept that even if I’m not able to do many things anymore, It’s ok. It’s ok to take things slow and pace myself. It’s ok to allowed myself to re-learn how my body works as I come to terms with my limitations and how to work with it. It’s ok that I can’t do everything.
To keep me from spiralling, I’ve made the conscious decision to get some help. My therapist has helped me keep things in perspective and told me that I am experiencing the stages of grief and that I am grieving about a life I once had. She told me that in order for me to heal properly, I need to let myself experience this. It’s going to be hard but take it one day at a time and to ground myself by telling myself how far I’ve come and that its ok to go steady.
Now I’m not saying that I don’t have any negative thoughts at all and that I’m happy-go-lucky all the time. I’m human and I’m not perfect, so I’m gunna have bad days where my body won’t want to listen to me and I’m going to hate it. But instead of getting frustrated, I just prime my mind and tell myself to relax, take it slow and take lots of naps.